Wake Up Walter Mitty

Prologue

“Hi, how are you folks, today?"

The words just stumbled off my tongue without much thought at all. It hadn’t been an entirely humiliating beginning to my day so I didn’t think much of it.

"Fine, thanks,” replied a middle-aged man wearing a pressed shirt and pleated trousers.

"I must say, that's a mighty fine tie you have on there." Okay, so it wasn’t mighty fine, but, as a salesman, you have to find something to start the conversation.

"Yeah? What's so mighty fine about it?" he snipped back with a tinge of displeasure.

"Well, it's just so colorful and bright, I guess it's kind of festive,” I quickly responded with my typical self-deprecating tone, but I could see the conversation turning ugly.

"So colorful, bright, and festive make a tie mighty fine. Is that it?" quipped the man rhetorically.

"Yes, I...I guess so."

"So you probably think the clowns at the circus are mighty fine, or maybe even my wife's face is mighty fine. Is that so?"

His face reddened and his eyes bulged with anger and disgust. Something bad was happening. Something very bad, but I didn’t have the sense just to run away and get out of there. I just kept talking.

"No, I definitely didn't make the comment with reference to your wife's face. Not at all."

"So you don't think my wife's got a mighty fine face. Maybe you'd like to say that to her face yourself."

I could feel the noose tightening.

"I'm very sorry. Maybe my comment was misinterpreted. I mean I think your wife has a very attractive face, certainly more attractive than the tie. I mean that's obvious."

"Are you looking at my wife? 'Cause if you're looking at my wife, I'll...I'll..."

He started grinding his teeth like a caged wolf and steam escaped from his cauliflower ears. I prepared myself for the impact of his broad fist on my all-too-narrow face.

"No. No, definitely not. If fact, I didn't even really get a good look at her, but I'll bet she is beautiful. After all, she's got a husband with a wonderfully attractive tie. She must be beautiful."

"So you like the tie? That's very nice of you. You have a nice day."

"Thanks. You, too."

"I'm taking my smoke break now, if anyone cares."

posted by Cool Dad @ 10:03 AM